Oddly enough, I have yet to watch the movie staring Bill Murray but it seemed an appropriate title for my post. I haven’t used Posterous in quite some time mostly because I’m l disappointed in their App for the iPhone as they STILL don’t allow composing in Landscape mode WTF!
But, none the less I felt compelled to write here today.
This New Year has been a struggle for me internally. I’ve reached an odd place in my life that I was never prepared for. I grew up buying into the monetary system that modem society has instilled in all of us so very deeply. The belief that a person’s success is solely based on their ability to acquire and manage money. Don’t misconstrue what I saying, I understand the construct of money in society for trade & commerce and interactions between cultures, but I believe things have gotten far out of control.
See, for the past Seven Months I have categorized my life as a journey, maybe more akin to a quest. A quest to find true happiness. Wait now, don’t go jumping to conclusions so soon. I haven’t gone full blown hippie on you. I’ve just reevaluated my recent past life to date and I’m not pleased with the progress so far.
Looking back on all my poor decisions, and there were A LOT of them, they were made with selfish ideals in mind. Ideals that I feel were placed their by my parents (not their fault) and modern society. I often think of an quote by John Lennon “When I was 5 years old, my mom told me that happiness was the key to life.
When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I
wrote down “happy”. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment. I told
them they didn’t understand life.”
It resonates deep inside me every time I read it. I also feel lost at times in this life we live in. Modern life to me now feels fake and skewed like a Milli Vanilli song from the 80’s. It’s catchy and entertaining, everybody is doing it and it becomes an ear worm stuck in your head “Gurl you know it’s true. Oo Oo Ooooo I love you!” and POW! Next thing you know your doing the cabbage patch and thinking of big hair and bad fashion choices. Oh it can be fun and exciting but soon I realized it is devoid; lacking substance! I feel disappointed and betrayed, the same way we all felt when we heard the news that Rob & Fab had been lip syncing their songs all along. “Gurl you know it’s true!” Ha Ha, oh the irony of those words once you knew the truth.
It’s so weird though, I feel the same way now as I did back then. Thinking of society today the same way I thought Milli Vanilli’s songs just didn’t sound the same after knowing it wasn’t their voices all along. I know I’m transitioning; I’m changing the way I see things and people and it’s scary. Breaking down the belief structures that were the foundations of my previous 40 years has an odd affect on ones psyche. I have lucid moments, between the bouts of depression and the paralyzing fearfulness, where I see clearly and feel a glimmer of hope for myself and the world around me.
The title rings true. I do feel lost. Lost, yet in a state of transition. Changing from one mentality towards another. I have NO clue how this is going to turn out for me. My past haunts me. No, more like taunts me into thinking I’m merely making another mistake in a long line of historical mistakes. But, I’m trudging forward. Into the unknown and deafly afraid of how it all may turn out. Yet, wildly curious as to what I will discover along the way, both about myself and others. Wish me luck, I think I’m gonna need it.